It's been months

So, it's been a few months since I started this thing, and as I expected I haven't kept up with the blog or the diet. I find myself constantly struggling to ignore the foods I want and stick with the foods I should want. And more often than not, I lose the struggle and wind up inhaling chocolate and hating myself for it for hours afterwards. I know it's self discipline and no one can do this for me, but sometimes it really does feel too hard.

I hate being fat. I hate looking down and seeing that y stomach sticks out farther than my breasts. (Considering I wore a C cup in grade school, that's really saying something. I'm up to a DD now and one of the things I'm looking forward to is seeing how much they shrink. It'd be nice to have people look at me, and not just my chest. Yes, contrary to popular belief, fat chicks get hit on as well. Though in my experience, there is often some comment made about my weight as well. "I like a woman with meat on her bones." "There's more of you to love." "I like something to hold on to." Let me just make something clear here. I'm in a committed relationship, and even if I weren't, the first man who tries to grab hold of my fat rolls is getting a swift kick to his nether region as I run screaming from the room.

On the plus side - pun not intended - my clothes have been falling off me lately. A few months ago, some of my jeans required much hopping, twisting, flailing, and fat tucking to get them on. I literally used a hanger to pull the zipper up on one pair. Now I actually have to find a belt since they have started falling down if I don't hike them up every few yards or so. I haven't been to the doctor to find out my weight since I've been cheating so much, but I'm taking the baggy clothes as a good sign.

One of the reasons I'm struggling so badly with this diet is because most of the low carb "treats" are sweetened with Splenda. I know some people swear by it and there are fanatics who'd sell their first born for a lifetime supply of the stuff, but I have a very strong reaction to it. There's no way to make this delicate so I won't even try. The smallest nibble on a Splenda sweetened hard candy sends me doubled over to the bathroom while my boyfriend tries to stifle his choking and figure out a way to politely open the windows without hurting my feelings. (Heaven help you if you're in a confined area with me.) After about an hour of excruciating stomach cramps and screaming to dear god just PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, the headache comes. Picture a group of very tiny elephants playing soccer behind your eye sockets, then double it, and you've got the headache. And it's still a good 12 hours or so before it's safe for me to be around people and a full day before anyone who knows me will let me in their car. I've done countless searches for recipes online, and not just for sweets, but for anything, and there seems to be a really heavy reliance on Splenda in recipes, particularly the granulated kind. Low carbing is doable, but it can get old if you just keep having the same thing over and over again. Eggs for breakfast, tuna for lunch, some form of meat for dinner along with broccoli, cauliflower or, green beans. Water throughout the day and a sugar free popsicle for dessert. I'm dying for something baked, like a cookie, but I can't find anything - pre-made, or a recipe - that doesn't require Splenda. So I cheat and have cake or a cookie. And before I know it, the whole thing is gone, I'm bloated, and I want to throw myself out my window. (Wonder if I'd bounce?)

One thing I'm embarrassed to admit, but I feel I have to is this: I'm too fat to fit comfortably at a normal desk. I should be starting my third semester at college, but I was suspended for many reasons. I can't and I won't blame my weight for my failure at school, but I admit that it's part of the reason. Anyone who has been overweight during high school knows exactly how painful it can be and how cruel kids can be. However, adults can be just as bad. One of my favorite bloggers wrote a post about how he dislikes being called big guy and honestly, I can't blame him. I find it discouraging that even after his weight loss - amazing and inspiring - people still call him big guy. References to someones size, whether weight or height, are very rarely seen as terms of endearment. Would you like it if I called you a Q tip, with your size 13 feet and large head perched atop your abnormally thin body? No? Then shut it. Anyway, I started college last fall, thrilled at the thought that I was finally heading somewhere. I was nervous, but I signed up for classes, and couldn't wait to start. I'm very shy in person and not very good with crowds, but I was absolutely determined to succeed. I can recall exactly when my enthusiasm came crashing down. I walked into my World Civilizations class - my humanities choice - and saw one of these staring at me. I'm supposed to fit in that? Now, I know most people can fit in there with no trouble, but I can't. I know my weight is my own fault, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with when just how fat I am is shoved in my face. I chose a seat in the back left of the room, figuring I can at least be in an aisle so I can turn slightly and maybe be a bit more comfortable. I sucked in a deep breath and squeezed in. My breasts and some of my stomach fat settled on top of the desk and I could barely breathe. I was humiliated and close to tears. No one paid any attention to me, so I did my best to deal. It was a lecture class and required a lot of note taking, and I came across my second problem. I couldn't comfortably look over my breast/fat on the desk and see the notebook to write. I used my backpack to raise the notebook and I adapted as best I could. About halfway through the class, the lack of air was starting to get to me. I felt a cold sweat break out on my body and my head start to droop. My vision went fuzzy and I felt like I was going to be sick. I slid slightly out of my seat and half crouched, half sat to ease the pressure so I could breathe. The man in front of me, easily in his thirties turned to look at me and gave me such a look of contempt, I actually wished I could just sink into the floor. He didn't just leave it at a look though, when I was desperately trying to pretend I wasn't there he spoke to me. "Having trouble, tubby? Try Slimfast." Then he turned back around and went back to taking notes. After class, I made my way into the bathroom and cried for a good ten minutes before heading off to my next class. Only to be faced with the same desk in a different room. I started skipping classes after that. It's not completely my weights fault, but I can't help but wonder if I had been thinner if I would've done better. So my college suspended me for missing too many classes and not maintaining a good enough GPA to be a student.

I'm trying to use this semester as a kind of time off to focus on losing weight. But I keep falling into the same traps I always have. My boyfriend started school yesterday, and now in comparison I feel inadequate. My feelings of inadequacy contribute to my ever present self loathing tendencies and I start thinking about all the things that are wrong with me. I feel worse about myself, get depressed, and start eating. And of course, it's never anything I should be eating. And after my enormous binge, I feel guilty and disgusted that I can't even get that one thing right and the circle begins again. I know the pattern, I know it's unhealthy, and I know no one can break it but me. I just wish I knew how.